Do you have what it takes to be a good submissive?
What makes a good submissive? The willingness to surrender total control to another person? An eagerness to do whatever it takes to please the dominant?
No matter how many times the question is asked, it’s rare that the same answer is given twice.
As explored in How to be a Good Sub, in a very broad sense, being submissive means to submit or surrender to another person, however; being submissive can mean very different things to different people.
D/s Negotiations
As discussed in What it Takes to be a Good Mistress, it is crucial for a dominant and a submissive to establish open and honest communication that fosters a relationship based on trust and respect in order for true power exchange to occur. During D/s negotiations, both parties discuss limits and boundaries, as well as, expectations and apprehensions. These limits and boundaries will likely change as the relationship grows and the level of D/s play deepens.
Sometimes originally set limits and boundaries prove to be too much for the submissive. A good Mistress will sense when this occurs, but ultimately, it is up to the submissive to discuss this with the dominant during the aftercare period, as well as prior to the start of any new D/s fantasy scenario.
Giving without Expectation
The most important quality -and sometimes the hardest to learn- of a good submissive is the ability to give without expectation. To please his Mistress simply for the sake of pleasing, having no preconceived notions of how that pleasure will be received. It is especially common in D/s fantasy scenarios for a submissive to express a desire to serve without expectation, but when it comes right down to it, he gets upset because his efforts did not garner the expected results.
In this case, the so-called-submissive is not truly surrendering himself and giving simply for the sake of giving. In this case, instead of a true power exchange, a power struggle plays out in which the submissive tries to top from the bottom.
My What Big Teeth You Have
Topping from the bottom is when, under the guise of being submissive, a dominant person tries to control the situation by behaving in a way that he believes will cause the established dominant to have the reaction he is looking for. A good Mistress will know that this is what the so-called-submissive is doing and demand further D/s negotiations.
He truly may want to be submissive but has not yet allowed himself to fully surrender control, in which case, he is obligated to discuss these feelings with the Mistress in an open, honest, and non-judgmental manner. He needs to learn that his pleasure is the result of Her pleasure.
There you have it, pets~ In a nutshell, what I believe it takes to be a good submissive.
What do you think it takes?
Until next time,
Need an Enchantress to stimulate your senses through provocative and intimate conversation?
I’m glad it got you thinking, tiny tim. That was the purpose of the post. Oftentimes, we do things without really knowing why we do them and taking some time to explore our motivation for doing them is essential for growth.
Empress Hunter,
One of the things that has me thinking is that you wrote that being submissive can mean different things to different people. It had me thinking of why i am submissive and wondering if that was true. I just thought that most submissives just need to submit to a Superior Mistress. They could submit to a Mistress for different reasons. It does make sense after thinking about it.
Good, forrest! That’s a good start… now, follow the beautiful white bird into the clearing until you see the cottage made of gingerbread cakes and candies… 😉
A crystal clear stream in a wooded clearing with a not so very worn foot path leading out.
That’s a good exercise peter! Now, forrest… close your eyes, lean back on my couch, relax, and tell me what you see …. 😉
Ahh, forrest… I tend to agree with that. We all have triggers of sorts, we just aren’t always aware of them until something happens that brings them to the forefront.
Yes Ms. Hunter, I find that it is a constantly evolving process but I also feel that it is a bit of a duty for a submissive to try to figure out what they may be so that they can pass them on to a Mistress.
Forrest, have you ever tried thinking about 2 attractive women and then wonder what would make one hotter than the other?
Is it the way she is dressed, the colours, the styles, the fabrics? Or is it something she says? Is it her attitude or the way she looks at you? The way she has her hair? The colour she has painted her toenails? The whip she is brandishing? Or the handcuffs or chastity cage she is dangling from her finger? And so on ….
Just let your mind wander and follow your feelings!
I was in a conversation recently and was asked what my triggers are, I answered I did not have any. I would have to think this may not be true and that I do not know what they are is more of the truth.
That is a good point, peter. Sometimes triggers aren’t easily identifiable and its only after much discussion and exploration that they are realized. Again, that’s why open and honest discussion before, during, and after the scene is necessary in order for both parties to truly enjoy the session and to lay the groundwork for more enjoyable sessions to come.
Forrest, if you can identify what your triggers are, what really pushes your buttons about submission, and then convey that to a Mistress, you will find subsequent sessions to be that much more deeper and fulfilling.
And I’m sure Ms. Hunter will correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the Mistress will also enjoy the sessions more, knowing that she is connecting with you personally and being able to weave a session using your hopes and fears, rather than hoping that she is hitting the right targets.
That’s what I suspected forrest, based on our conversations. Peter’s description is pretty much the same way I think of you. You may indeed be submissive, but mostly I think you are the chameleon who adapts to whatever situation you are in.
Thank you for your comment peter, I appreciate the different point of view. Yes I do see my self as the chameleon, changing to fit the situation.
Funny thing about your football analogy is, I am not a big sports fan, but when around people that are I can carry on a limited conversation.
I have to say it is more on the “keep the peace” side of it. I do like peterteasetoy’s point about being a chameleon and think that may closer to the truth than anything else.
Thank you, Ms. Hunter!
Forrest, I think that you misunderstand me slightly. What I meant with ‘passive voyeur’ was someone who was a doormat and offered no feedback or interaction with the Mistress.
From your comment I see you more as a chameleon, adapting to different people and situations. I too find myself doing that as I interact with different Mistresses, each relationship taking subtly different paths which brings out different parts of my personality.
It’s a bit like saying you are a big football fan. You have a friend who is also really into football so that is what you talk about. You have another friend who isn’t, so you talk about something else with them. But you’ve got to know yourself and know that you like football, even when you are with people who don’t!
Forrest, do you find changing and reshaping yourself around the needs of others to be a source of pleasure for you, or is it just something you do to “keep the peace,” so to speak?
Yes, tiny tim. I don’t believe in barreling right up to the limits and rolling across them. I believe in working toward them, over time. A submissive’s perspective changes over the course of time, so limits that once seemed very unlikely will start seeming like a possibility.
I am very curious as to what your perspective is on the subject Ms Hunter. I have a very blurry view of what submission is. This could be that in life I have a very submissive personality, almost like the passive voyeur that peterteasetoy describes in his comment. I tend to change and reshape myself around the needs of the people around me.
Empress Hunter,
I agreee with what you are saying about that there is a fine line between testing and pushing the boundries of a submissive and making him do something he doesn’t want to do. As there is a few things that I would hate and wouldn’t want to do as a submissive. Do you think that it would be better to slowly push the limits of a submissive?
“Again it’s about communication, but also about the submissive not being a passive voyeur but an actively engaged person in the relationship.”
That one line says it all, peter. Very well put!
Thank you castaway. While you were shocked to learn my perspective, I think you’ve at least somewhat come to see that it is true, based on your comment here. So much about power exchange is about introspection on both parts. Being able to honestly asses ourselves and the situation is an important factor for growth- another reason the preparation and aftercare phases are so important.
One thing I can personally attest from Ms. Hunter’s post is that she has a genuine natural curiosity for learning about her pets (and potential pets), and that while she obviously loves to do so on the telephone, she is also very generous with her email and YIM time provided you engage her in a courteous manner.
I’ve had conversations with Ms. Hunter myself at times about my eagerness to please decadent women and what that means exactly, and she (haha) did not hesitate to share her perspective, as I’m sure I sometimes struggle between the two contrasting poles that she described in that part of this post.
One thing she does a great job of is dividing a “planned” session into three phases: preparation, in session, and aftercare. Obviously these stages can be of varying lengths depending on how impromptu the session is or other variables. If the sub and Mistress are having good communication in the first and third, than the middle one should go rather swimmingly, with the Mistress taking the lead.
You are right, a submissive sharing with his Mistress what he wants from a session or from a relationship isn’t topping from the bottom, Ms. Hunter,
But, by their very nature, some submissives are too submissive to actually speak up and articulate their desires and would rather go along with what the Mistress tells them. Before starting to drift away because the Mistress isn’t fulfilling their needs.
Again it’s about communication, but also about the submissive not being a passive voyeur but an actively engaged person in the relationship.
I can see where one may thing that, peterteasetoy, but I don’t believe a submissive sharing with a Mistress what he is looking for is really topping from the bottom. I think that’s another reason why communicating via email and IM prior to and between calls is so very important.
You are right that it is up to both parties to ensure the submissive’s needs and desires are fully understood; the Mistress needs to foster an en empathetic and non-judgmental environment that will help the submissive feel comfortable in expressing his desires and the submissive needs to be open and honest as to what he is looking for.
Yes, Ms. Sonali, warmth and understanding are definitely needed. I’m not so sure stern is the word I would use, simply because it tends to conjure up visions of corporeal punishment and otherwise strict activities. Warmth and understanding while holding firm is more how I would describe it.
That’s a good question, tiny tim. I do think many times a submissive does thinsg he isn’t fond of simply because he knows it will please his Mistress. In fact, that’s part of pushing the limits and testing the boundaries, however; I do not believe he should be made to do anything he is not yet ready (physically or emotionally) to do. There is a difference between doing something you aren’t thrilled about doing because you know it will please your mistress and being made to do something you absolutely do NOT want to do.
i must say that I’m loving all the insightful comments you are all sharing on the topic of D/s and throughout all of them, it appears that one thing remains constant- the importance of open and honest communication is a must!
Yes, Ms. Sonali, warmth and understanding are definitely needed. I’m not so sure stern is the word I would use, simply because it tends to conjure up visions of corporeal punishment and otherwise strict activities. Warmth and understanding while holding firm is more how I would describe it.
Ms. Hunter, one of the difficulties for a submissive, particulary with a long distance, paid for service, is to relate their wants and desires without appearing to be topping from the bottom.
The Mistress can’t pick up on the visual clues and she can’t mind read, so it is up to both parties to get the submissive to open up and express those feelings so she can properly understand him and know how to take control of him.
Empress Hunter,
I agree with you that trust and respect is important for any relationship between a submissive and a Mistress. I also feel that a good submissive should be willing to obey his superior Mistress at all times. Do you feel that a submissive can eventually reach a point where he was willing to do something that he doesn’t like just please his Mistress?
Miss Hunter-
I agree with you, if a bottom (submissive) is trying to withhold handing over power, further conversations are needed. He is calling you for a reason, he desires to have you control him and yet he is scared. With warmth and yet being stern I know you are able to put him in his place in due time 🙂