Is D/s for you?
What makes a good Mistress? Is it someone who is strict, someone who is sensual, or a little of both?
Is it someone who is well versed in all the fetishes and paraphilias, or is it someone who can be empathetic and understanding of the fantasies and desires of another without compromising her own personality and limits?
It is all those things and more, as discussed in a still popular post I published on this blog back in July 2009, entitled What Makes a Good Mistress?
It is imperative for a dominant and a submissive to establish and maintain a relationship based on trust and respect before entering into any type of D/s play.
Balancing Fantasy and Reality
The dominant respects the limits and boundaries of a submissive while at the same time taking the submissive to the very edge of those limits. This is accomplished by carefully balancing the fantasy of the scene with the reality of the submissive’s reactions. A good Mistress is attentive to the reactions -both physical and emotional of the submissive and adjusts the intensity of the D/s play accordingly.
It is not uncommon for a fantasy D/s roleplay scenario to trigger very real and intense emotions for the submissive. These emotions can run the gamut from euphoric and giddy to disappointment in both the session and himself. Maybe the session itself was enjoyable but the aftermath left him feeling less manly or grappling with very real emotions as the result of a repressed memory surfacing unexpectedly.
Aftercare
It is important to explore all of the resultant feelings and emotions experienced in the aftermath of a power exchange scene. Discussing these reactions together, openly and honestly, is a very important and necessary aftercare step that serves to enable the submissive to deal with what he’s currently feeling, as well as solidifying the basis of the relationship for future sessions.
A good Mistress is able to foster an aftercare environment conducive to introspection, facilitating growth and healing for the submissive.
There you have it, pets~ My view on what it takes to be a good Mistress.
What do YOU think it takes to be a good Mistress?
Until next time,
Need an Enchantress to stimulate your senses through provocative and intimate conversation?
I look forward to discussing the fantasy vs. reality balance with you tiny tim.
I enjoyed reading both your posts. especially the part about balancing fantasy and reality. As i have always had submissive tendecies for a few different reasons. I would love to talk to you about this soon. hopefully later this week.
So true, peter! Well, yeah… female-led. That’s the way it should always be!
Although I picked the a particular question you raised at the start of your blog, I could have pick several other elements and they would all boil down to that one theme, Ms. Hunter.
Good 2-way communication is vitally important in picking each other, during the play and in the aftercare.
I agree tiny tim. Just because a Mistress is sensual does not mean she can’t be strict and likewise, a strict Mistress will be sensual at times, according to what the submissive is in need of at that particular moment. I feel that some Mistresses tend to lean toward more strict or more sensual, but a good Mistress knows precisely which one each situation calls for.
Also very true on the relationship building over time. It’s no different than any other relationship, which begins with a mutual interest and deepens into a real connection as time goes on.
I agree peter. A good Mistress will know her limits and whether she is a good fit for what the submissive is looking for and should be willing to help the submissive find a Mistress that will meet his needs. Of course, as seems to be the constant theme here, it takes open and honest communication in order to know whether that might be the case.
Thank you, Ms. Hunter.
A good Mistress can very well be both but does not necessarily have to be both. A good Mistress will know what her limits are and what she is comfortable with and if a submissive is looking for something different then a good Mistress will refer he to someone else rather than go through with a session that neither party would be happy with.
Hi Empress Hunter, I feel that a great Mistress has the ability to be both sensual or strict. There are times that a submissive needs a strict hand. I also feel that a Dominant/Submissive relationship has to buildup overtime to reach it’s full potential.
Thank you Ms. Lydia. There are so many nuances to D/s that without open and honest communication as a foundation, it is difficult for any D/s relationship to thrive.
Very good points, steph. Honesty and open mindedness are definitely very high on the list. Without those, communication will not be effective and the relationship dynamic will be skewed. And very true- once you stop learning you stop growing!
Very well put, peterteasetoy. A good Mistress can very well be both, depending on the submissive’s needs.
You make a lot of good points, Ms. Hunter.
I will have a go at answering your first question, you ask at the start whether a good Mistress is someone who is strict, someone who is sensual, or a little of both?
A lot can depend on the sub. If the sub is a pain slut and someone who thrives on correction and punishment than a sensual Mistress is not the right fit.
Similarly I don’t fit well with a strict Mistress.
A good Mistress will know how to pick up on the clues (as long as the sub is actually giving them!) as to which is the best ‘style’ to use to connect to that sub or to pass on that sub to another Mistress who can.
Curtsey Empress Hunter..I wanted to follow up with what I posted on EE that I would come to read this post. I was very mistaken in stating that I remembered this post..I was wrong. You indeed have a talent for expressing in words your thoughts. I believe when limits and boundries are explored and set between a Mistress and a sub, these are thought out and are clear. Both the sub and the Mistress will keep the lines of communication open. Honesty, truthfullness, and open mindness are also in my opinoin corner stones that are put into place as the boundries are set. I believe there is an huge element of respect and this respect is a two way street, I believe a good Mistress will respect herself foremost, she will respect others lateral to the relationship, and she will respect her sub, and will communicate to her subs the expectation of return respect. Both Mistresses and subs are both humans, both will always be mindful of the qualities that makes us all humans and indivduals. Empress Hunter, I agree with you about empathy, and if I may go a bit futher and say, a good Mistress cares about her subs, she does so although while still maintaining her sterness, she shows compassion with love and caring. I too love what you say about “solidifying the basis of the relationship ” Once a bond is established between a Mistress and a sub, then I believe and hope both the sub and the Mistress will remember to continue to nutture, refine the basis and corner stones of their relationship.
Curtsey Empress Hunter….I’m still learning about being a submissive, once you stop learning, you stop growing. I believe in learning something new every day. I’ve certainaly have learned more in reading this blog post and the commments of others. I believe it is important for a sub to learn and know all the things about a good Mistress
I absolutely love this blog, Ms Hunter! You bring up such excellent points. I especially love how you address such important aspects of D/s relationships as trust and aftercare, which are integral to building and maintaining any healthy relationship.
I agree, W. Those are all very important qualities and I feel that, while there are also other important qualities, without certain essential qualities, it is impossible to be a good dominant. Empathy is a very big one for me because I can’t begin to understand how to direct the submissive unless I have a very good understanding of what he is experiencing emotionally, as well as physically.
I’m not sure it is “one” thing, maybe Trust if I had to pick one. Patience and Respect also come to mind.
I agree, Ms. Olivia. It’s just as important (often times more important for the Mistress to “hear” what he is NOT saying as much as what he is saying! Oftentimes, I’ll take the fantasy in a particular direction -even though the caller did not give me any verbal indication that this was where he wanted to it to go- simply because I sense that it is something he wants. Afterward, I usually get a “How did you know?” and it always makes me want to say “Ve have our vays!” ~wicked laughter~
Thank you, Ms. Freda. I have to say I enjoyed reading your BratFace gets a Spanking post! I especially loved the last line! 😉
Good point, castaway! This is particularly important in situations where the submissive tries to take control by calling an audible.
This is a wonderful post! You’ve done it again Ms Hunter, you certainly have a way with words. I love what you said about solidifying the basis for the relationship & facilitating growth & healing. Sometimes a session can be very intense, awakening new feelings & revealing deep emotions.
Ms Hunter, This was a very eloquent post. When a submissive shares his deepest, darkest fantasies with you, he is placing his trust in you that not only will you be able to take those to create a sexy scenario, but also a safe environment for that scenario to be played out. While in an ongoing phone relationship the Mistress may poke and prod to see if boundaries can be pushed, it should probably be done in a piecemeal manner. Like a conservative football offense, she should just be concerned w/ “moving the chains”, and punting and “regrouping” if a setback occurs. (Editor’s note: hope everyone loves drawn out sports metaphors)
This is a fantastic post Hunter! While each person calls us for individual needs and desires there are some important things that every good Mistress should have. Personally I think it’s the ability to really listen because communication has two sides to it….talking and listening. It’s especially important to listen to the shy guys who don’t want to talk! Now, THAT is a good Mistress, even when she is being wicked! ~smiles~
Thank you, wes! What do you think makes a good Mistress? Is there any one “must have” in your opinion?
What a great blog post and perspective. I’ll be reading this one often, thank you, Ms.Hunter.